


Kyle's Boomin' Beach Day

by KPesh123



Series: Kyle's Boomin' Adventures [11]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Alternate Beach Scene, Alternate Universe - After College/University, Alternate Universe - Beach, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Horror, Art, Attempted Murder, Bad Art, Bad Writing, Beaches, Beer, Binge Drinking, College, Comedy, Comedy of Errors, Dark Comedy, Day At The Beach, Democrat, Drinking, Drugs, Excessive Drinking, Good Writing, Heavy Drinking, Horror, Knives, Late Night Writing, Loch Ness Monster, Marijuana, Murder, Other, Racism, Rape, References to Drugs, Scary, Scary Clowns, Scary Movies, Smoking, Summer, Summer Vacation, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Vodka, Weapons, Whiskey & Scotch, World War II, Writing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:34:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26019640
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KPesh123/pseuds/KPesh123
Summary: It was finally summer for the boys in Parkersville New Jersey.  After months of non-stop bullshit whether it be fighting a war in China or rescuing an annoying bitch, the boys finally had nothing planned on their schedules.  The boys decided to spend almost everyday together doing what they loved, being dumbasses.  Since Parkersville was at the Jersey Shore and only a five minute drive to the beach, the boys planned on going there quite often.  After a long night of partying, the boys decided to meet back up and go to the beach yet again...
Series: Kyle's Boomin' Adventures [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1867981





	Kyle's Boomin' Beach Day

**Author's Note:**

> Please make sure to read the other stories from Kyle's Boomin' Adventures.

Kyle’s Boomin Beach Day

It was finally summer for the boys in Parkersville New Jersey. After months of non-stop bullshit whether it be fighting a war in China or rescuing an annoying bitch, the boys finally had nothing planned on their schedules. The boys decided to spend almost everyday together doing what they loved, being dumbasses. Since Parkersville was at the Jersey Shore and only a five minute drive to the beach, the boys planned on going there quite often. After a long night of partying, the boys decided to meet back up and go to the beach yet again. 

Since it was the end of May, the weather was bipolar. Some days reached the low eighties while other days reached the low fifties. When the boys met up at Jay’s house, it was a balmy sixty eight degrees. It was planned for the boys to meet up at Jay’s house, from there they had to decide who was going to drive. It was between Mark and Kyle, they decided to settle the dispute using the oldest conflict resolution method in the book, rock paper scissors. Mark and Kyle did two out of three and by Kyle’s luck, he got swept both times and was forced to drive. 

The boys were going to Little Monmouth Beach, a free public beach frequented by many of their peers from high school located in the town of Monmouth Beach. Kyle had never been to that beach so he was relying on Gianni for directions, since he went there every summer. However, instead of sitting in the front passenger seat to give Kyle directions, he sat in the back and Mark took the front seat. Since Gianni wasn’t giving much help Kyle missed the turn and ended up driving all the way off course. Getting blown miles out of direction, Kyle took the route to his beach and from there he would drive down to Little Monmouth. While driving towards the shore, the boys noticed that clouds and fog were rolling in. 

“Bro what the fuck? It was sunny like five minutes ago.” Kyle commented while driving.

“Dude this is some freaky shit.” Jay said.

“Watch this is the start of a horror movie, like a serial killer or some shit.” Mark added. 

After wandering the streets of Monmouth Beach trying to find a place to park, they found a spot in front of some random dude’s beach house. After Kyle was assured by the rest of the boys he can park there, they got everything they needed and started walking to the beach. 

“Yo Kyle you got the sunscreen right?” Gianni asked.

“Nah I forgot it.” Kyle replied.

“Bruh how could you forget sunscreen?” 

“I gotta prove something wrong to some racists.”

A few weeks prior to the planned beach day, Nancy Drew face timed Kyle to annoy the shit out of him as usual. After almost an hour of mindless gossip about the most useless shit Kyle finally got a chance to talk. Trying to get off the phone as quickly as he could, Kyle brought up his plans. 

“Well I should probably get going soon, I’m planning a beach day for the boys.” Kyle said.

“Awww cute” Nancy replied in a cutie pie tone of voice.

“Yea so I gotta prepare, you know check to see if I have enough sunscreen and shit like that.” 

“But you don’t get sunburn, you're brown.” Nancy said before giggling like an idiot.

“You really just said that didn’t you.” 

Nancy gave a big kiss on the screen then hung up. This happened right around the time George Floyd was suffocated to death by a tyrant cop. For once everyone had something to be united about, instead of doing anything however, Kyle’s peers from school decided to rage post and spam his feed with the exact same posts. This was ironic to Kyle because they were the biggest racists towards him, they only posted to not look as bad.

“I’m gonna give myself a sunburn in order to prove that bigoted cunt wrong.” Kyle said.

“Kyle, I really want to bop one of the Boof Brigade.” Mark commented. 

“Jesus Mark you literally knock one of them out every time you see them.” Jon commented. 

“Bruh I can’t wait to literally shit one one of them.” Malcolm commented. 

Malcolm and Mark had planned to come up and see Kyle for his birthday in the upcoming semester. Having known the shit Kyle went through on a daily basis the last two semesters, the Boof Brigade were already enemies to the boys. Malcolm being the perverted fuck he was, offered to shit on one of Kyle’s peers while they slept.

“Yea I’ll remember that.” Kyle responded.

The boys approached the beach. Just five minutes away in Parkersville it was sunny and warm, the beach was a different story however. Foggy and cold, there was one other group of people at the beach, they were a group of younglings still in high school. After saying hello to Jay and Gianni, who was Mr. Popular with the underclassmen, the boys set up far away from the other group, who left ten minutes after their arrival. Jay brought two six packs of Budwiser. The boys started cracking open the cans and sending them. Jay however walked onto the dunes and looked at the seawall. Jay took his Budwiser can and chucked it in the direction of the seawall, he underestimated how high and far it could go since the can flew right over the wall into the road almost hitting a car. 

“Goddamnit you retard you just wasted a beer.” Kyle said to Jay.

“Oof.” Jay responded.

“Ight let’s go get it.” Mark said. 

As Mark and Jay went looking for the Budwiser can, the rest of the boys played with a football and drank beer. Although it was windy and cold the boys still enjoyed their time. Mark and Jay came back with the Budwiser can. Jay immediately ran for the seawall and chucked the can again. For the second time the can went well over the wall and landed in the road yet again. The boys looked at Jay. 

“Alright it’s gone, we can forget about it.” Jay said to everyone.

The boys decided to throw a football around, once done they sat in their chairs and vibed out to music. They talked about the state of the world as well as memories from past summers. In the middle of the conversation Gianni picked up his chair and bag, he walked six feet away from the boys and took out his notebook. Gianni began to draw. 

Gianni was an amature artist. He went under an anonymous account and had his own characters. Getting attention from both ska bands Ballyhoo and Reel Big Fish, he was starting to get noticed in the trippy art scene. Gianni used his artistic abilities to his advantage. Gianni had a new way to pick up girls, he planned on sitting in his chair, blasting ska music, and drawing. Gianni hoped a group of girls would walk over and ask if he was an artist, he would offer to draw them and put his phone number at the bottom of the drawing. Gianni started this technique.

“Gianni there is no one else here you’re getting no pussy.” Nick explained.

“Fuck off you’re bouta cock block me.” Gianni responded.

“Gianni you look like a moron.” Kyle said.

“Oh like you’re doing better.” Gianni responded. 

“Hey there big boy are you an artist?” A female voice said behind Gianni.

Although it was a female voice, it sounded exactly like the skeleton in Spongebob who hated chocolate. The boys looked in horror, Gianni didn’t realize it and started his bit.

“Why yes I’m an artist, maybe I can draw- OH MY GOODNESS!!!” Gianni yelled.

The woman looked almost sixty years old, she was obese to the point that her cottage cheese stained Journey t-shirt was too small showing her fat, as well as her botched belly button piercing. The woman had wrinkles all over her face and her hair was completely gray. That was not the worst part about her however. The woman smoked so many cigarettes she developed throat cancer and had a hole in her throat. 

“Sorry I’m not really interested, thanks though.” Gianni said. 

“What happened Gianni? You would’ve killed to draw someone of the opposite sex just five minutes ago.” Kyle taunted. 

“I’m still interested.” Malcolm said in a perverted tone of voice. “Hey baby, you ever get freaky with that thing?” 

“Oh dear god please no!” The woman shouted, spraying mace into Malcolm’s eyes before running off. 

Malcolm was on the sand crying and rubbing his burned eyes. The boys laughed at his pain since he failed to fuck the womans throat hole. Malcolm ran into the water in a hopeless effort to cool his eyes. Little to Malcolm’s knowledge the water had salt in it thus burning his eyes even more. Malcolm eventually grabbed a Budwiser and poured the beer into his eyes, cooling them. After Malcolm’s performance, the boys went back to vibing in their spot. 

The boys looked around the beach and couldn’t help but get an eerie feeling. Fog was everywhere, apartment buildings less than a mile away usually visible in broad daylight could barely be seen. Absolutely no one was on the beach, not even the lifeguards. The way the waves hit the sand and the sound of the wind was not right. Suddenly a sound came from the water, the waves started to churn faster as if a hurricane was in the area. The boys thought they ate a bad batch of mushrooms because they could not comprehend what was in front of them. A sea monster with a long neck rose out of the water and crawled onto the beach. The monster looked menacing down at the boys who looked in utter awe. 

“Holy shit it’s the Loch Ness Monster!!!” Malcolm yelled.

“Actually my name is Nessy.” Nessy responded.

“You need three fiddy?” Kyle asked.

“Why the fuck would I need three fiddy?” Nessy asked

“Cause in various forms of media such as South Park, you are portrayed going around harassing people for three fiddy.” 

“Oh since I’m a giant sea monster you assume that I want three fiddy.”

“No well…” 

“I don’t need no three fiddy! Good day to you sir!” Nessy shouted before crawling back into the water.

“Did the Loch Ness Monster really just PC Kyle?” Nick asked.

“Damn now I’ve seen everything.” Mark commented. 

“There’s a giant puddle on the main lawn of my school, I think it’s perfect for Nessy.” Kyle added. 

After a run in with the Loch Ness Monster, the boys still felt an eerie feeling at the beach. Everything was still off, it was the equivalent to an opening scene of a horror movie. The wind started to pick up, the boys looked over to find a distant man looking at them. The man slowly started to walk in the direction of the boys. The boys could make out that the man had a prison jumpsuit on with a blank white mask and a large knife. The jumpsuit was bloody as the man had just been on a killing spree. Since the boys didn’t have any of their weapons on them, they immediately grabbed their things and ran to Kyle’s car. With the serial killer running after them, Kyle floored it and made a u-turn. The boys drove to nearby Hartshorne Park. Since it was beach season, they couldn’t go to Sandy Hook because they would’ve had to pay to get on the peninsula. Hartshorne was better because it was across the river from the barrier islands and was high up. Kyle drove as fast as he could and eventually parked at Hartshorne. There they ran to the abandoned bunker that was on site. Hartshorne Park was an old World War Two military base that was turned into a park, just like Sandy Hook it was filled with abandoned bunkers. The boys crawled under the broken chain fence and ran inside. Some of the boys were known to frequent the bunker often. Both Gianni and Mark had spray painted on the walls in the bunker. Gianni’s alter ego was tagged as well as Mark’s nickname. The boys ran into one of the old adjacent rooms and hid.

“What the fuck do we do?!” Malcolm asked frantically.

“We drove off as fast as we could, there is no way that guy found where we went.” Nick explained.

Let’s just stay here until we feel safe then get the fuck home.” Kyle said.

In the meantime the boys decided to explore the bunker since new graffiti was put up. This was Kyle’s first time trespassing in an abandoned bunker, and he liked it. Everywhere there were cool graffiti tags on the walls. Some ranged from a Grateful Dead logo to a scary clown painted on the wall. One room was filled with random shit. Kyle read one of the tags. 

“Haha, ‘Fuck you Nora!” Kyle whispered, laughing at the break up tag.

“Fuck you Nancy Drew!” Mark replied. 

“Ha!” Kyle replied back giving Mark a thumbs up. 

“Yo look at this fuckin holocaust joke someone wrote!” Mark then shouted looking at the wall. “How do you pick up girls in Germany? With a dust pit!” 

It was at that moment the boys heard footsteps coming from down the hall of the bunker. The footsteps were coming closer. The boys were panicking, could this possibly be the killer? As a matter of fact it was, the killer approached the boys. The killer’s knife was bloody; it had just been shanked into someone’s body, the boys were cornered. 

“Wait a minute, there’s seven of us and one of him!” Jay shouted. 

“Let’s get him!” Malcolm shouted. 

All of the boys rushed the killer. The killer started swinging his knife but it was no match against the pure alpha testosterone that was the Boom Crew. The boys jumped the killer getting a good amount of punches and kicks in. Mark and Jay held the killer down after.

“Alright, let’s see who you really are.” Gianni said.

Gianni pulled off the killer's mask to find a horrible creature under it. This was almost as bad as the woman hitting on Gianni just hours ago. Malcolm threw up and Nick almost fainted. Kyle’s jaw dropped.

“Holy fuck it’s Joe Biden!” Kyle shouted.

The killer was actually Democratic presidential candidate and well known pedophile Joe Biden. The boys were in utter disbelief that they caught Sleepy Joe in the middle of one of his rape tirades. 

“Yes and I would’ve gotten away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids! And by the way, you know I got a lota- I got hairy legs, that turn, that-that that turn a um um blond in the sun. And the kids used to come up and reach in the pool and rub my leg down and watch the hair come back up again, they’d look at it. So I learned about roaches, and I learned about kids jumping on my lap, and I love kids jumping on my lap.” Joe Biden preached to the boys. 

“Dude shut the fuck up.” Kyle hissed. 

“Not gonna cap you fucking blow dude.” Jay said to Biden.

“Hey! If you don’t vote for me you ain’t black!” Biden responded to Jay.

“Alright I think we had enough of this clown.” Nick commented.

Mark punched Biden in the face and he became unconscious. The boys walked out of the bunker and went back to Kyle’s car. They didn’t say anything the entire ride back due to the amount of confusion they faced. However they did go to Malcolm’s house to binge drink yet again in order to help them forget about the utter delusion they faced that day. This was an interesting start to their summer. 

  
  


I hope you enjoyed my boomin beach day, now fuck off again. 

  
  



End file.
